Inspired by a dear friend who has recently returned to the world of blogging, the following is an attempt at writing an “advice post.” I’m assuming you all have the basics of living life down right? You can clothe yourself, find a job, speak at least one language that involves nouns and verbs yes? Okay, glad those are covered. I’m going to move on to something that all of you probably think you have mastered, but in reality 99.9% of people need to read the following article. It’s like those infographics on children in the proper carseat – you think you’ve got it right, but you are WRONG.
HOW NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE
1. If you are in a motorized vehicle, do not pull into the crosswalk when a human is walking through it. Do not inch into my personal space with your GIANT FUCKING PIECE OF METAL. Don’t act like you’re going to just nudge me out of the way or peer pressure me into moving quicker. You’re in a car. Chill out.
2. If you are a man, and you are taking a woman out on a date, don’t flat out tell her you want to switch locations because of a deal, special, or coupon. I’ve spent years overcoming the insecurities of my adolescence, and your telling me that I’m not worth a $7.99 taco platter is not helping with that journey.
3. When walking in a public place, here is a hot tip: pretend you are racing a snail. If the snail is winning, you are going too slow.
4. Oh, and if you’re walking in congruence with friends/relatives/hordes, do your best to not take up the entire sidewalk. This is more for your safety, because I will Red Rover my way through your little party.
5. Go to your social media feeds right now. Compute the ratio of “obnoxious bragging” posts to “funny/amusing/useful” posts. The ratio should be less than 3:1. Think about it like this: if your current significant other’s ex-significant other was posting these things, would you roll your eyes and call him or her a profane word? Maybe just a teeny tiny bit? Then employ some self censorship, STAT.
6. While we’re on the topic of social media, the same ratio applies to political posts. I know you REALLY REALLY REALLY care and that everyone else is SO STUPID AND WRONG but guess what? If your opinion here really mattered, you’d be saying it on TV, not my newsfeed. Share your opinions, share information, god yes! Do it! But don’t oversaturate.
7. If you have an opinion about the show “Girls”, just shut up. Immediately.
8. When taking public transit, do your best to observe social norms for the local area. If you are unsure what these are, look it up online. I think every city in America has a blog or tumblr dedicated to assholes on public transit. If you’re in DC, it’s pretty easy: don’t eat, don’t drink, don’t block the door, and give up your seat to anyone wearing heels higher than yours. Oh, and gentlemen, your genitalia does not require it’s own seat. Put your knees together and act like a lady.
9. If someone asks for your opinion on an article of clothing, which the person has already purchased and owns, there are only three appropriate answers: 1) You look SO SEXY! 2) You look SO SEXY! But maybe with this (insert adjustment/accessory here) you’ll look EVEN SEXIER! 3) You look SO SEXY! Cancel all your plans and let’s go shopping (then burn the other person’s offensive clothes when they aren’t looking.
10. When in doubt about whether or not your behavior could be considered to be similar to that of an asshole, you’re probably being an asshole. Stop it!